Bright slide
As a professional writer, I'd always believed I was a competent communicator. My words were my weapon to engage, educate and persuade.
And then I had children.
My little boy (we’ll call him ‘R’) is two and it’s a constant battle to get him to listen to me. But I do love a challenge and the whole experience of being a dad makes you rethink the building blocks of being a good communicator.
Over the past week, I’ve made a few notes about what works and what doesn’t when it comes to getting through to a strong-willed toddler. He’s the toughest audience out there, but the most rewarding to work with.
From keeping my messages simple and clear to learning the value of fun and good humour, I’m learning lessons that are just as relevant in the board room as they are in my son’s Peppa-Pig-packed bedroom.
1. Learn to listen - and don’t let it slide
So we went to the swimming baths on Saturday and R wanted to go on the big slide. Until we got the top.
Retracing our steps would mean pushing through a snaking queue of people and descending a steep spiral staircase. But if we just went down the slide anyway, we’d not only toughen R up, we’d be down in a jiffy. Or so I thought.
The green light flashed and with R on my lap, we started to slide. Then we stopped. He’d planted his feet flat on the slide and was using them as a very effective brake.
I pushed and he resisted. With every inch we moved, I grew more concerned that someone was about to fly down behind us and shatter the vertebrae in my back.
Lesson: I made a really poor decision not to listen to R, because it was easier for me not to do so. The outcome was awful - a stressful descent and an unhappy little boy. Good communication and building trust is all about listening. A big fail here for me.
2. Clarity is good. Empathy is better
I had a shelf to put up - so I asked R to help me. “Get my tools,” he said excitedly, and ran off to gather up his plastic saw and hammer.
He climbed a little stepladder and helped me hold the spirit level. From his elevated position he spotted two ‘real’ screwdrivers on the worktop - a standard Phillips one and a second, tiny but devastatingly sharp one for making marks in the plasterboard for my wall fittings.
“My have the little one?” he asked. I like to nurture his interests, so I decided to let him hold it. The reality of seeing a two-year-old on a small platform holding a sharp screwdriver made me quickly question my wisdom.
I decided to explain clearly that the screwdriver was dangerous and offer him an alternative, safer tool to hold. He loves a tape measure, so I offered him the swap.
Meltdown! He doesn’t have many, but this was toddler-geddon. Rivers of real tears and sad, sad screams of “my driver”.
In my mind, I was removing risk from the situation. In R’s mind I was cruelly stopping him doing the one thing he wanted to do. When I saw it from his point of view, it was easier to deal with. I told him that if he sat on the floor and used it safely then he could have it for another 10 minutes.
By showing empathy, he softened his stance and gave up the screwdriver when I asked him to.
Lesson: Empathy is an important ingredient in effective communication. Get to know your audience’s feelings and needs if you really want to make a breakthrough.
3. Your tone needs to agree with the audience - never be boring
There are plenty of good things about Peppa Pig. Solid values are represented, life is always fun and they sing catchy songs about big balloons and the sea still being there.
Small wonder, then, that prising R away from it is harder than pulling your fingers apart when you get superglue on them.
Standard techniques don’t work. Polite and authoritative demand? Ignored. Repeating that demand? Ignored. Threats and ultimatums? Ignored.
What does work is making him laugh. And the best way to do that is to pretend to be Mr Bull and tell R we need to turn Peppa off because I need to “dig up the road!” Once he’s giggled, he’s distracted and he’ll happily do a jigsaw or have a tea party with me instead.
Lesson: Don’t be boring. Find a fun and surprising way to deliver your message.
4. Selling the benefits of your message isn’t always enough
So have you tried getting a toddler to brush his teeth? If you haven’t, it’s like playing chess and Risk while riding a unicycle. You try one strategy. It looks like it’s working. But then he throws your king/his toothbrush on the floor.
I tried to explain the benefits of brushing his teeth - a nice smile that little girls would like. It didn’t work. There were months of stand offs and stress, before we found a solution.
In the end, my wife bought a second toothbrush and began asking him which one he wanted to brush with. By giving him the power to make a key decision about his daily brushing, he started to brush properly.
Lesson: Good communicators don’t just make demands and expect results. They empower people.
5. Communicate with love
Selfish motives - like my shame on the slide - are totally transparent, even to a two-year-old. The only way to really get a message heard is if you deliver it with genuine loving intentions.
Over the weekend, R was doing circuits of the house with no concern for his own safety. If I didn’t intervene, he was going to hurt himself.
Instead of simply telling him to stop, I waited for him to come back into the room, grabbed him and tickled him. When he calmed down, I explained that I loved him and I was worried that he would hurt himself if he carried on being so reckless. He said: “Okay Daddy,” and went and sat on the sofa.
Lesson: You need to have genuine care for the people around you if you want them to listen to you. If they feel you have their best interests at heart, they’ll respond positively to the demands you make on them. If you’re still reading this by the way, I love you.
The limits of my little study are actually its strength. A two-year-old is clearly more concerned about his own needs than anything else. But I’d argue, so are most adults. When you communicate with anyone, what they really want to know is what’s in it for them.
Communication lessons from a two-year-old
- Say what you mean and mean what you say. Be direct and honest, don’t skirt around difficult issues or play games
- Be specific, communicate with clarity and inspire action
- Show empathy - understand how the person or people you’re communicating with are really feeling
- Don’t be boring - find fun and surprising ways to get your message across
- Focus on the benefits to the other person when you have an idea or argument to sell
- The tone of your message needs to match the persona of your audience
- Most of all, remember that your audience isn’t all that interested in you. They’re interested in themselves. They want to know what’s in it for them. If you can’t tell them that, then you may not get very far.